Help! Quick! Someone fetch my smelling salts! Pornhub is down, and as a remote worker I must now… get work done! The horror!
Ok, so Pornhub’s down right now, leaving millions of regular viewers staring at blank screens and wondering whether they need to reboot their Wi-Fi or double-check to see if their state is on the “no more spank candy for you” list.
So here’s the deal. Yes, Pornhub is having issues today. However, depending on where you live, those issues might be less tied to a coding error and more tied to your zip code. Certain U.S. states are losing access due to age verification laws, prompting the site to simply block all traffic entirely in those areas in protest. Most of the southern United States is having a less spicy Monday than they’d planned, I can tell you that.
On the upside: remote workers might actually get shit done today. With no one being able to log in and explore their favorite category on their “water cooler” breaks, Excel spreadsheets are being updated faster than ever. Craigs, Zachs, and Chelseas across the land are finding a focus level they never knew they had, now that they no longer have the option to toggle back to “MILF stuck under desk” when they navigate away from Outlook.
Fret not, scrollers. There are still backup content options available to you, even if your boss is privately rejoicing in your newfound productivity levels. That one Tumblr page is still going, even if you haven’t checked in for years. TikTok may have done a deal with Schrödinger, but it’s still accessible if your brain needs dopamine. When all else fails, do a shot of tequila and text your least problematic ex if you get truly desperate.
…don’t actually do that. Please, fall into the same trap the rest of us do and just spend far too long scrolling Instagram reels when you know you should be sleeping.
Listen, if you think you’re having a bad day because you should be able to access Pornhub and can’t, take a moment and think of the engineers. The crew at Pornhub has to be sweating bullets right now. Can you imagine them on the phone with their parents? “No, Mom, I probably can’t make it to dinner tonight.” “Why?” “Uh, well, remember how I told you that you don’t want to know about my job?” They’re having a bad time—perhaps even more so than you.
Jokes aside, Pornhub being down has sent people who should have access into a tizzy. With censorship on the rise across the nation and digital restrictions getting harder and harder to bypass, it makes sense that users in states like Minnesota are worrying about whether they were sneakily added to the list without their knowledge. In the land of the free, access to guns at age 18 is no big deal, but boobie pics? Not for you, Kevin. Best to go clean your Glock, then head to the local Army recruitment office.
Jokes aside (again), I hope you all enjoy your time rediscovering puzzles, playing with your dog, or learning about your spouse’s special interests. If you’re not in a state where Pornhub is throwing a hissy fit about age verification, you should have access again soon. Keep calm, and get back to work for now.
