So, a neuroscientist, an OnlyFans star, and a pigeon walk into a bar…
Okay, so that’s not at all what happened, but the actual story makes for the most unreal headline you’ve ever heard. Are you ready for this?
Mercedes Valentine is a neuroscientist who decided to join OnlyFans instead of pursuing a traditional career in academia. She’s also a motorcycle enthusiast, and one day, while speeding down a street, a freaking pigeon swooped off a light pole and collided with her helmet. The resulting accident was horrific, and she honestly shouldn’t have survived. But she did, and now she’s determined to use her experience to raise awareness about the importance of obeying the rules of the road—and wearing a helmet if you’re on a motorcycle.
Let’s back up. How does one go from being a neuroscientist to a content creator on OnlyFans? Well, to add to the unconventional nature of her story, Mercedes was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome when she was 15 years old. Because of her condition, she has to exercise regularly—and carefully. While she was in college, preparing to follow the traditional family career path (her entire family is made up of medical professionals), a friend suggested she try a pole dancing class. Not only did she have the time of her life, but she also discovered that pole dancing was one of the few places where her hypermobility wasn’t just not a problem—it was an asset. She soon dove into the world of professional stripping, and when the COVID-19 pandemic shut the world down, she turned to OnlyFans to continue engaging with her newfound love. Basically, she swapped the microscope for lingerie, and while science lost out, the internet won big.
Now, let’s talk about the accident. She was speeding—literally speeding down the street (don’t do that, y’all)—when a pigeon sent her flying. The damn bird swooped down from a light pole and whapped her in the helmet. The deadly combination of being distracted by the kamikaze pigeon and going way faster than advised resulted in Mercedes crashing into a parked Volvo. She then went soaring through the air, finally landing about 200 feet away. The severe impact almost killed her on the spot, and had her family not been in the vehicle behind her (reminder: they’re all medical professionals), she wouldn’t have made it. Her father removed her helmet to prevent suffocation and immediately went to work to staunch the flow of blood. She lost more than three liters of blood—nearly half of what a human body is supposed to have. She also suffered a shattered eye socket, a broken hip, at least three fractured ribs, and a broken nose. As scary as all of those injuries are, they don’t hold a candle to the biggest one she’s still dealing with.
Miraculously, she survived and woke up a week later, but… her memory had more holes in it than your favorite bougie cheese. She couldn’t remember the last month of her life before the accident. She suffered a traumatic brain injury that significantly altered her memory. Faces of people she knows and loves? Couldn’t place them. Day-to-day life? A new adventure every day—without the benefit of remembering the day prior. She recovered physically, didn’t lose her vision, and can still walk—and ride her motorcycle. But the accident happened in the summer of 2024, and she’s still learning to adjust to life with a wonky memory. Her boyfriend does what he can to help by leaving little post-it notes around their shared living space, but learning to roll with a memory that doesn’t function the way it used to has required a whole new level of patience with herself.
Since leaving the hospital and resuming her online presence, she’s become a fierce advocate for motorcycle safety. Speeding? Don’t be like her. She regrets that. Helmets? Not negotiable—hers saved her life. Birds? Well, they can’t be helped, but they can be respected. She’s still getting out on her bike whenever she can, but she no longer goes for solo rides, always bringing a buddy with her. And OnlyFans? Yup, she’s back at it, too. After breaking nearly every bone in her body, she’s back to ever-so-delicately breaking the internet with her sexy content.
If you take away nothing else from her story, take this: if you’re getting on a bike, always wear a helmet—and respect the pigeons.
