Steve Truesdell
World Naked Bike Ride started at Grand St. on Saturday night.
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Ah, to feel the wind in your pubic hair. It is a rare treat many enjoyed this weekend at World Naked Bike Ride St. Louis. At least those among us who still have public hair, anyway.
Wouldn’t it be great to bike in the buff all the time? Huh, Mayor Slay? Can we? Please? Laws governing public nudity in Missouri can be pretty hairy. Below, we do our best to give you the basic quick and dirty.
Boobs
According to Missouri’s booby laws, “the showing of the female breast below a horizontal line across the top of the areola and extending across the width of the breast at such point,” is not okay in public.
Steve Truesdell
Questionable boob apparel here, according to Missouri law.
“Such definition includes the lower portion of the human female breast, but shall not include any portion of the cleavage of the female breasts exhibited by a bikini, dress, blouse, shirt, leotard, or similar wearing apparel provided the areola is not exposed in whole or in part.”
–Missouri Revised Statutes 573.528, Section 12
Our best translation: regular cleave is fine, but anything south of the nips is not. Side boob is ambiguous. It also seems that if you just wanna show off your lady parts in a bra, fig leaves, or pasties you might not be covered enough for Missouri.
Special exemption for breast-feeding mothers:
Notwithstanding any other provision of law to the contrary, a mother may, with as much discretion as possible, breast-feed her child in any public or private location where the mother is otherwise authorized to be.
–Mo. Rev. Stat. 191.918
Before you whip ’em out moms, know that Missouri is one of just five states that has not actually exempted breastfeeding from public indecency laws, as one STL county mom learned in 1995.
Steve Truesdell
Both of these men are okay to appear in public.
Penises
Just keep telling yourself: don’t get an erection in public, don’t get an erection in public.
“Human male genitals in a discernibly turgid state, even if completely and opaquely covered…” —Mo Rev. Stat. 573.528.16b.
“Discernibly turgid,” eh? Maybe police officers should just visit a high school every time they need to fill their monthly quotas.
Our best translation: if you have a problem, tuck it into your waist band or run to a bathroom in shame before someone arrests your sick ass.
There does not appear to be a legal distinction here between balls and shaft. Aw, nuts.
Steve Truesdell
If Missouri did distinguish between balls and shaft, this guy might also be good to go.
